when nothing goes right… go left
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LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Seek kebab; not attention
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.