When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Chemical wingman
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Dune (2021)
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing