When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
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playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I unironically love this joke.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
December birthdays be like…
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me: