@CulturedRuffian

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

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@DorsaAmir

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

@bromanconsul

LA girls say they want to go on “adventures” but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking

@LostFelicia

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

@fro_vo

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

@Dawn_M_

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

@Area51eh

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

@TheClifBob

I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.

@JoParkerBear

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

@tsm560

*saves the date*

Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.

@Phillylawyer7

Dirty Dancing is my favorite movie about a girl who cannot dance at all, but wins a dance competition because her partner has a great mullet