When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
i wish all
whales
a very
big
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.