When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

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Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.


LA girls say they want to go on “adventures” but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking


If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.


Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for


WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.


LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?


I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.


It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.


*saves the date*

Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.


Dirty Dancing is my favorite movie about a girl who cannot dance at all, but wins a dance competition because her partner has a great mullet