Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
You Might Also Like
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
#have a #great #PancakeDay
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.