[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I feel it
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.