When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

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Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.


Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.


Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.


My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated


Yelp is a great way to find out where garbage people will never eat again because one time a waitress forgot their honey mustard.


DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
ME: Can’t say I do
DOC: That’s one of the symptoms, yes.


That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.