When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
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my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
peak technology
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill