Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
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5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: It’s faster my way.
I don’t know how to counter that argument.
Her: Make me a burrito, please.
*wraps her in blanket
*pours hot sauce inside
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.