@mommy_cusses

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

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@howe007

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

@ImABaconDonut

5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: No.
Me: Why?
5: It’s faster my way.

I don’t know how to counter that argument.

@Roxtalled

Her: Make me a burrito, please.

Me: ??

*wraps her in blanket

*pours hot sauce inside

@Jade_VK

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

@emily_murnane

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

@House_Feminist

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

@AbbieEvansXO

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

@radtoria

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

@FeelingEuphoric

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

@TheMindOfADad

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.