When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

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An idea only achieves transcendence after it is:

1. Published as book
2. Made into a feature film
3. Turned into an amusement park ride


3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.


If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.


When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.


Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.


[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
[Montage of Humpty picking apples, carving some pumpkins, jumping into piles of raked leaves]


Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled


Yesterday I bought a ribeye.

Today I cooked it with mushrooms and onions and ate it before my kids got home.

I don’t even feel bad about it.