When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
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Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…