@mommy_cusses

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

@orny_xo

This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.

@TheAlexNevil

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

@LindaInDisguise

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

@abbycohenwl

Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested

@samdunsiger

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

@upsidedowntrash

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

@RidiculousDak

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes