@warne888
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
@BeTheCookie
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
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@warne888
@Dutch_50
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
@AechErvin
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
@wendchymes
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
@nyquills
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
@warmyellowlight
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
@TheDairylandDon
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
@SCbchbum
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
@kumailn
“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”
#corporateshows