@BeTheCookie

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

You Might Also Like

@warne888

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

@Dutch_50

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

@AechErvin

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

@wendchymes

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

@nyquills

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

@TheDairylandDon

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

@SCbchbum

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

@kumailn

“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”
#corporateshows