@BeTheCookie

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

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@goodballs

If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.

@3sunzzz

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

@FrazzleMyGimp

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

@MyMomologue

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

@causticbob

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

@Mr_Kapowski

My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid

Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we’re born

8 y/o daughter:

Wife: ZACK!

@CulturedRuffian

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

@JessicaVarsity

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.