If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
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People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid
Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we’re born
8 y/o daughter:
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.