@BeTheCookie

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

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@kelkulus

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

@okayestgoalie76

Me: “Siri, find me the nearest Starbucks”

Siri: “the addiction hotline is…”

Me: “no, I said….”

Siri: “Oh, I heard you!”

@PaperWash

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

@_knuck_

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

@CMHorrocks

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

@crylenol

That ends your training. You’re now a GameStop employee. Any questions?

“What do I do if a girl comes in”

Err *boss scrambles thru manual*

@FuckabillyRex

*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.

*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.

@shkeeber

If dolphins are so smart, how come they’re never on Jeopardy?

@mommajessiec

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

@SteveRyanComedy

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy