When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
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You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card