@goodballs
If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.
@BeTheCookie
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
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@goodballs
@3sunzzz
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
@HiddenWorId
@FrazzleMyGimp
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
@MyMomologue
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
@causticbob
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
@Mr_Kapowski
My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid
Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we’re born
8 y/o daughter:
Wife: ZACK!
@CulturedRuffian
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
@kidnapped_jesus
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
@JessicaVarsity
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.