@kelkulus
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
@BeTheCookie
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
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@kelkulus
@okayestgoalie76
Me: “Siri, find me the nearest Starbucks”
Siri: “the addiction hotline is…”
Me: “no, I said….”
Siri: “Oh, I heard you!”
@PaperWash
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
@_knuck_
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
@CMHorrocks
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
@crylenol
That ends your training. You’re now a GameStop employee. Any questions?
“What do I do if a girl comes in”
Err *boss scrambles thru manual*
@FuckabillyRex
*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.
@shkeeber
If dolphins are so smart, how come they’re never on Jeopardy?
@mommajessiec
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
@SteveRyanComedy
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy