When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
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Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
selena gomez
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.