@SteveKoehler22

When our kids were teenagers we moved;
hoping it would help with family strife.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

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@kwirkyKerri

I don’t wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.

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Today I watched a meteor shower until it angrily pulled the curtains closed and yelled at me to stop peeping.

@stephenjmolloy

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

@ComedicBust

Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.

@VeggieMonger

My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.

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@ChribHibble

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@LizerReal

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

@TheMichaelRock

Breaking News: Playboy to eliminate nude pictures from their magazine.

“What’s a magazine?” asked every guy under 30.