When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
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ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
spicy snake
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!