It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
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Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
back to work
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.