What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
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Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME