When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
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[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.