When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
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My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Growing up was a huge mistake
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.