When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

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mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon


If I’m ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC’s without singing the song tell my family I loved them


Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.


me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works


It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.


[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad


People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it


So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.


Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped