When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
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When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice