When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?