When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
You sure about that?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
A small tragedy.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
the best thing i’ve ever made
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.