[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
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Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.
Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent