When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
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9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
How it started How it’s going
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted