When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

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Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.


Every horse movie ever: people don’t think this horse can go fast but it do. it go real fast


My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”


I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*


LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend


The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.


Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.


If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.