When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
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[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Social distancing in Australia:
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.