When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

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Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…


[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.


Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.


The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.


I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me


Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.


i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers


who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes


At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.