@Carbosly

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

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@junejuly12

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

@JustMeTurtle

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

@Elizasoul80

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

@RunOldMan

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

@LuvPug

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

@myonlymizztake

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

@TlaxBoy05

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

@IamEnidColeslaw

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

@sir_shithead_I

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.