Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
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I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.