Tip for teens:
If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
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Me: What did you do at school today?
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me
To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.