@evidentlyblonde

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

You Might Also Like

@brandonIee

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

@skittle624

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

@BriarSly

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

@foxxy311

Ladies, don’t waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese.

Apparently they have a “family” & a “wife” & I’m “ruining their dinner.”

@hermanntrude

Me: am I really me? Or am I some kind of soul inside a body

Body: don’t ask me I’m just a body

Brain: I’m in charge here, so you must be me

Me: but if I’m you, how am I thinking about us as different?

Head: *explodes*

@BoogTweets

What if shrimp have no idea we call them shrimp and they’re all scootin round the ocean telling everyone their called Thad

@JasonNotEvil

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

@SuitableHolmes

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

@daplusk

‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically