I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
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WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Ladies, don’t waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese.
Apparently they have a “family” & a “wife” & I’m “ruining their dinner.”
Me: am I really me? Or am I some kind of soul inside a body
Body: don’t ask me I’m just a body
Brain: I’m in charge here, so you must be me
Me: but if I’m you, how am I thinking about us as different?
What if shrimp have no idea we call them shrimp and they’re all scootin round the ocean telling everyone their called Thad
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically