When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
You Might Also Like
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
good work, detective
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”