When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
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Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Money is the root of all wealth
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
And then there were 4
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.