When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
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You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*