@mydmac

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

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@trentistweeting

[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Cheese: yea
Yogurt: yea
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night

@james_comics

netflix: are you still there?

me: i’m literally not allowed to leave

@Thatsit4me

They say misery loves company and I’m like, no I don’t.

@HomeWithPeanut

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

@JohnLyonTweets

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

@cloudybones

Being asked if you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you’ve had steak at Applebees. You do know there’s actual steakhouses?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

@ronnui_

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

@andlikelaura

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

@freudianscript

I’m not here to fix your problems, i’m here to set an example of what happens when your problems don’t get fixed.