When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
You Might Also Like
just left a huge legacy in there
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing