@OuterJohn

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

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@mattytalks

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

@jakob_huber

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

@causticbob

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

@thegallowboob

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

@LinajkReturns

If he’s hot on your heels, dump him.

You do not want a man who looks better in your shoes than you do.

@FredTaming

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

@rajandelman

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

@thesulk

“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”

@Laser_Cat

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

@GlennyRodge

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.