When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

You Might Also Like


She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen


You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.


I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.


the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:


If he’s hot on your heels, dump him.

You do not want a man who looks better in your shoes than you do.


[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not


I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese


“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”


[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*


*types ‘snowflake’*
*types ‘snowflake’*