When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

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My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren’t meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.


7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection.
Me: How many do you have?
7yo: Zero.
7yo: I said it was empty.


If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.


May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean


When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.


okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?


Them: How can you hate someone you’ve never met?

Me: Oh. I can read.


It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing


The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.
My pasta
My. Pasta