@TheAlexNevil

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

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@OctopusCaveman

My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren’t meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.

@KenJennings

TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER
7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection.
Me: How many do you have?
7yo: Zero.
Me: ZERO?
7yo: I said it was empty.

@TheStanchion

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

@longwall26

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

@EBenita0517

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

@myqkaplan

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

@MsSkarsgaard

Them: How can you hate someone you’ve never met?

Me: Oh. I can read.

@ItsLaTourette

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

@davidkenny100

The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.
My pasta
My. Pasta