When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
You Might Also Like
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.