When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
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Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Strangers have the best candy.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach