When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.


A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”


Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing


Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs


Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?


Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*


Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’


me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way


*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.


Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.