When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
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I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.