@chopper4jk

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

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@Bob_Heller

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

@huntigula

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

@MollyWoooo

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

@HomeWithPeanut

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

@ThugRaccoons

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

@TitaniumToplass

use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying

@_Enanem_

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

@JustDontBugMe

[Getting married]

Hey, thanks for doing this with me… I wasn’t sure how to operate the microwave.

@pilau

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

@Jenny4ashley

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.