When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.