I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Hey, thanks for doing this with me… I wasn’t sure how to operate the microwave.
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.