“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
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Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
How to wake up a Beagle
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.