“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically

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Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not


Love how dog food commercials advertise tastier formulas like that matters when deciding what to buy & feed a pet who eats its own vomit.


I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.


[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy


Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.


I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.


Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.


Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*