@aotakeo

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

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@itsallbollocks

couldn’t decide between consumed and ate so went with consummated, taking my donut love to a whole new level

@ArfMeasures

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

@RexHuppke

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

@LOUD_Thoughts_

I have a condition that I eat when I can’t sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.

@WheelTod

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

@jonnysun

JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW

@_salt_n_lime

My friendship transcends political bullshit. But if you don’t like cheeseburgers, you’re dead to me.

@DirtMcTurd

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

@ChrisEdCaruso

Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
*pounds table*
Jenga cop: God damn it!

@MrJeberling

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.