when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
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My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above