when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
You Might Also Like
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.