When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
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I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.