If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
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Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Feels
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now