I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
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Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Worth remembering.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.