Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
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A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
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Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Succinctly put.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired