When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
You Might Also Like
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
This kid is a star!
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that