@ForeverHairy

When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.

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@PetrickSara

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

@Michael1979

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

@sixfootcandy

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

@RobbyRob313

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

@dorsalstream

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

@Stellacopter

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

@SlenderSherbet

“are you following me?”

“no. just scratching my ear”

“DUDE”

“I WASN’T”