Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
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Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
How do you milk an almond?
Only short people can save us
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese