spicy snake
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I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch