Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
You Might Also Like
Taken is the adult version of Finding Nemo.
I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name