When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
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Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Kermit goes Blue.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.