The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
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6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
“Cute cat, what’s it’s name?”
Too-ra-loo-ra, but you have to sing, or she won’t come
“Um ok,🎶 Too-ra-l”
SHE WON’T COME! IT’S A CAT! HAHA
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Bring brownies to work.
Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.