When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

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I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.


If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.


Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.


I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.


[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!


INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference


I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name