When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

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The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.


6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.


“Cute cat, what’s it’s name?”

Too-ra-loo-ra, but you have to sing, or she won’t come

“Um ok,🎶 Too-ra-l”



ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.


One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life


Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”


Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”


Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.


Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.


Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.