When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

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“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”


[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!


Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?


Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane


Me: goodnight son I love you.


Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*


Freddy Krueger: (enters my dream) what the hell?

me: close the door you’ll let out the hippopotamus!


I’m at my most immature when girls misspell “cologne” and start talking about how bad a man’s colon smells


I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going “I trust this will suffice.”


“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.


“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.