“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
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[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Me: Chandler shut up!
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Me: goodnight son I love you.
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Freddy Krueger: (enters my dream) what the hell?
me: close the door you’ll let out the hippopotamus!
I’m at my most immature when girls misspell “cologne” and start talking about how bad a man’s colon smells
I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going “I trust this will suffice.”
“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”