HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
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Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Instagram: A girl with her boyfriend of 2 weeks with the caption: “Yeah we’ve had our ups and downs but what couple hasn’t?”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Black Friday through the years:
2013: Thursday 8pm
2020: 4th of July
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong
Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.
Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-
Me: *smiling* Absolutely not
Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.
Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.