@sad_tree

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

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@natfos

HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise

@MelvinofYork

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

@AvgSociaIMedia

Instagram: A girl with her boyfriend of 2 weeks with the caption: “Yeah we’ve had our ups and downs but what couple hasn’t?”

@CherBear162

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

@ConanOBrien

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

@bestvibess

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

@Pmerrily

I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.

Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-

Me: *smiling* Absolutely not

Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.

Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.