When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
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I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.