When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
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My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Bike is short for Bichael.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?