When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.

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Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k


In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf


Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.


Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.


Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.


An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”


ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*


My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

I knew I should have buried him in the garden!