When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

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My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.


HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.


“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”


Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!


Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.


‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury


I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.


Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?


wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave