When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
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Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Seek kebab; not attention
When I snag the last meatball.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you